I wonder about
the sad deprived state of mind
where those who have the most
are still miserable.
As someone who grew up
in a quiet, verdant village
in Goa in the 70s
with no tv,
or radio,
or Internet,
or FB
or what-have-you
Yet enjoyed watching fireflies
on summer nights
and raindrops
on the window pane,
butterflies hatching out of
a small cardboard bex
and ferns on the inside
of the backyard well
and thankfully still retain the wonder
and the joy of starlight
I can safely say that
I am rich beyond compare
What is your loss little one ?
that you are
so easily displeased
(a question to the children I see around me whose parents strive to give more and do more and buy more just for that one look of satisfaction)
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Adu and I in Naigaum Park
The wise one, just five
says to me, love in her eyes
I see me in you.
She frowns like me, this little one, my brother says and has dimples too when she smiles. Ah, immortality.
says to me, love in her eyes
I see me in you.
She frowns like me, this little one, my brother says and has dimples too when she smiles. Ah, immortality.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Master of what now?
I sit here rather lie here this grey Sunday evening. Two of my favourite people lie beside me; my daughter and my cat. One rushing around braiding her hair, asking about this and that, the other: calm and lolling.
I have just opened several browsers/windows/whatchamacallits: I am looking through the Master's requirements for my course that will start soon. I am excited and apprehensive at once: what was I thinking to enroll for this when the kids are not yet fully grown, when the weather will turn soon and when I have already so much to do at school,so many new things to learn and do, show for and stand by? Crazy.
Then I go back to 1987 when I wanted to stride ahead but Life had other plans. At that time, I had moved forward and had done what I was called upon to do. So this is my time, I tell myself. I close my eyes for a while and let the feeling seep. I drive through the gates that I had once only dreamt of and then passed by on public transit. The kids were younger then and I was new to my life here, yet I had made it through.
I remind myself to stay with the now. That will help. Don't rush on and project what may be and don't feed the fears that raise their scary heads. This is a past sensation of September winds that blow through my mind. I have done this before and well. I will do this again and better.
And that Ph.D cannot be far behind now can it. Shhhh, just the Now my dear, listen to your heart.
I have just opened several browsers/windows/whatchamacallits: I am looking through the Master's requirements for my course that will start soon. I am excited and apprehensive at once: what was I thinking to enroll for this when the kids are not yet fully grown, when the weather will turn soon and when I have already so much to do at school,so many new things to learn and do, show for and stand by? Crazy.
Then I go back to 1987 when I wanted to stride ahead but Life had other plans. At that time, I had moved forward and had done what I was called upon to do. So this is my time, I tell myself. I close my eyes for a while and let the feeling seep. I drive through the gates that I had once only dreamt of and then passed by on public transit. The kids were younger then and I was new to my life here, yet I had made it through.
I remind myself to stay with the now. That will help. Don't rush on and project what may be and don't feed the fears that raise their scary heads. This is a past sensation of September winds that blow through my mind. I have done this before and well. I will do this again and better.
And that Ph.D cannot be far behind now can it. Shhhh, just the Now my dear, listen to your heart.
Remind me, my friend
As I read your words
reminding me to accept...
my silver hair shines
( written in response to this haiku posted by an unseen friend):
Accept gracefully
Human being yourself now
Surrendering fears
reminding me to accept...
my silver hair shines
( written in response to this haiku posted by an unseen friend):
Accept gracefully
Human being yourself now
Surrendering fears
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Good morning, Day 1
"Good morning, Day 1. I wonder what you are going to learn today"
Days went by in Dhamma Torana and I was able to track the time in a new way. Luckily for me, I have developed the habit of NOT wearing my watch on weekends during the work year and never during the vacation. I guess growing up in Goa as a child helped me to stay connected with nature. Long before I had even heard of the wonderful Mr Howard Gardner and his Multiple Intelligences Theory, I was most at peace watching the sky, listening for a rustle in the bushes and just being me.
So this was not going to be hard, I thought as I settled into the sqaue sheet of sponge. And I was wrong, very wrong.
What was interesting was the intensity of my connections with the outside world. I was not trying to suppress my thoughts. I had read enough about mindfulness and staying in the moment. But as Goenka ji says, I was still in the 'intellectual' stage of wisdom. The experiential was miles away.
Here is what happened:
"I wonder what the kids are doing"
"I wonder if the school SharePoint has been updated yet"
"I wonder if I will be able to cope with the demands of the new year with
my Masters programme and my school work"
And on and on and on it went.
The first day in session, I learned just one simple thing. And staying with that one set of directions was HARD, DIFFICULT, EXCRUCIATING.
Just that?
What do you mean focus on just that?
This is it? Come on now !
I need a wall to support my back, I am wobbly.
My tailbone hurts.
There it was, I understood my own frailities. I wanted everything NOW, yet I was not ready to stay in the NOW. For this day, I was taught just this one simple thing.
That is all the Buddha wanted me to do.
And I was trying...
Days went by in Dhamma Torana and I was able to track the time in a new way. Luckily for me, I have developed the habit of NOT wearing my watch on weekends during the work year and never during the vacation. I guess growing up in Goa as a child helped me to stay connected with nature. Long before I had even heard of the wonderful Mr Howard Gardner and his Multiple Intelligences Theory, I was most at peace watching the sky, listening for a rustle in the bushes and just being me.
So this was not going to be hard, I thought as I settled into the sqaue sheet of sponge. And I was wrong, very wrong.
What was interesting was the intensity of my connections with the outside world. I was not trying to suppress my thoughts. I had read enough about mindfulness and staying in the moment. But as Goenka ji says, I was still in the 'intellectual' stage of wisdom. The experiential was miles away.
Here is what happened:
"I wonder what the kids are doing"
"I wonder if the school SharePoint has been updated yet"
"I wonder if I will be able to cope with the demands of the new year with
my Masters programme and my school work"
And on and on and on it went.
The first day in session, I learned just one simple thing. And staying with that one set of directions was HARD, DIFFICULT, EXCRUCIATING.
Just that?
What do you mean focus on just that?
This is it? Come on now !
I need a wall to support my back, I am wobbly.
My tailbone hurts.
There it was, I understood my own frailities. I wanted everything NOW, yet I was not ready to stay in the NOW. For this day, I was taught just this one simple thing.
That is all the Buddha wanted me to do.
And I was trying...
Dhamma Moments: 4 am
20th July. We left London to go to Burlington. I sat in a Starbucks logged into the world. After lunch, we went to the Centre. After registration, we handed in our phones and other connections to the outside world. After a light meal went in to to receive instructions men and women live in separate dormitories. Two people to a cabin with a washroom to share and from that evening's session of sitting, we took the oath of silence.
21st July:
It was a struggle. The gong went at 4 am the next day and again at 4:20. I am alone with my thoughts. And I wrapped myself in my blue shawl and made my way through over the winding path towards the Dhamma Hall.
After the first day of 4 am sitting (always easier to meditate in the hall where the steady breathing of others keeps me on track). I was able to discern when I was awake and when I slipped into sleep.
One moment, I can hear the fan and then suddenly there is silence. It is like falling through a wall or wakefulness. I am here now and hearing the fan. And suddenly, I am in this peaceful place where there is no sound. The sudden realisation that I was able to differentiate between the two stages of wakefulness and sleep, were strange at first. That scared me, this new awarenessof ME and I thought to myself in that 4 am movement: maybe dying is this easy.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Gm,gn, great life.
On my little solo jaunt, I went to the UK for 4 days ( can you believe that?) and had a great time. From Gatwick, straight to Stonehenge and then to Birmingham for the night.
Then, over to the Lake District which is super quaint and to the Beatrix Potter Centre (not read much of her work to the children but Peter Rabbit has a frown just like Ashray did when he was a baby so got him a little momento.) The kids are anyway interested in a certain Mr.H.Potter, so that's that.
Then Stratford to visit the Bard, a tribute to my mother who had introduced me to his work as early as grade 5, bought up all the titles of Shakespeare for kids with all these really nice illustrations, kinda like Duffelbag Theatre, demystifying Shakespeare.
Then a day in London with a walking trip through Chinatown and onward to Trafalgar Square and the National Gallery where I 'met' some greats again. Just soaking in the diversity standing on the steps seeing the monuments and the simliarities in architecture between London, Mumbai and Ottawa puts things into perspective.
And two weeks later, London was burning, raging fires from suppressed anger and who knows what else. Sad that. Friends who call it their home were disappointed at the crumbling of the facade of normalcy. And I, saddened watched the parade of the sameness of life everywhere and the hatred that calms down over time. Riots in my new home too whether over a G20 summit or a hockey game, the ugly face of humanity. Yet when all this is over, many watch fascinated as 'those people' scramble for their lives and freedoms over rubble created by the corridors of unseen, frightening power.
A very solemn reminder that arrogance is just a precursor to a rude awakening that we are more similar than we like to admit.
The sun does not set anyway, whether on the British Empire or elsewhere. The world just turns and we, with it.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Breath
This day is heavy
and every breath comes with pain
let go, let go, now
I thought I was just writing about myself, today. But on second reading in response to a 'like' realised that I was narrating the quiet moment last December as I sat beside my mother as she slept her final evening in this mortal world. Tired as she was, trying to hang on and wanting to let go. I guess I wrote for the both of us.
and every breath comes with pain
let go, let go, now
I thought I was just writing about myself, today. But on second reading in response to a 'like' realised that I was narrating the quiet moment last December as I sat beside my mother as she slept her final evening in this mortal world. Tired as she was, trying to hang on and wanting to let go. I guess I wrote for the both of us.
Bugs live
At Vipassana a few days ago, we followed the 5 Shilas one of which was not to kill any living being. On metta day, when we could finally speak, the discussions were around this very fact: "OMG I just realised that day, that included bugs. They are living too"
If only we looked at all beings with the same grace as when we are in silence. What would we see?
If only we looked at all beings with the same grace as when we are in silence. What would we see?
Keep me with you
This morning, I was inundated with chores. My daughter woke me early as she wanted my laptop and decided that she would explore my room. A light sleeper as I am, I could not go back to sleep. So I was up and about. Then with the day came the trip to Staples for the Teacher Appreciation Day. I returned home for a quick lunch and went to my favourite 'adda', the haiku page. Some friends online, others posting haiku like bright stars that twinkle one by one in the twilight sky. And I did not want to leave.
I will never be
able to leave you, my love
your words keep me here
As I went to the Physio session for the neck injury I smiled at the constant reminder of anichcha. Then off to the gym for Ashray's workout.
I will never be
able to leave you, my love
your words keep me here
As I went to the Physio session for the neck injury I smiled at the constant reminder of anichcha. Then off to the gym for Ashray's workout.
What's the matter with you?
Today has been a difficult day although sunny and cool. The mind has its reasons. One part of my brain says: "What's your problem, look outside, get a grip" These are the remnants of my past, from years of social conditioning from being always ready to face the day whether or not I was ready really.
But this is me now and I sit here and observe the peace come in softly on butterfly wings. And my breath eases, and then eases some more and then this is what my heart replies:
This day is heavy
and every breath comes with pain
let go, let go,
now
But this is me now and I sit here and observe the peace come in softly on butterfly wings. And my breath eases, and then eases some more and then this is what my heart replies:
This day is heavy
and every breath comes with pain
let go, let go,
now
A writer's journey
One day, perhaps day 5 or 6 when I first had the aha moment in the Vipassana journey, I thought to myself: "Darn it. No more writing for me. No more angst, just observation. And just when a publisher was asking me about my 2nd book. I am glad I did not sign anything" Funny thought that, walking along the winding paths of Dhamma Torana. A rustle here, a quiver there, watchful unseen eyes in the undergrowth my companions even as I walked from room to hall to lunch to clear my pace.
After my return two weeks ago, I have not been reaching for my journal as much. I have not written long drawn out outpourings of the heart. I no longer run on with my pain, the wheel of misery does not roll on and on.
I have been wriiting haiku though. Quite prolifically I must say. Now always proficiently. And there are gentle guides along this path who suggest a second look or encourage me with their likes.
I had always admired the brevity of the craft and had always thought myself unable to confine myself to the 5-7-5 pattern. I kept returning to the Facebook Group and reading the expressive little gifts left there by so many talented writers. Yet not until my own journey came to be a series of moments did I write with this freedom. It is not until I remembered the sensation of this very moment and that very glance was I able to free myself from self imposed labels of not being able to do this or that.
Constraints imposed by
those who benefit from them,
you don't have to stay
So I take another moment to see this woman sitting with me. I think I like her.
After my return two weeks ago, I have not been reaching for my journal as much. I have not written long drawn out outpourings of the heart. I no longer run on with my pain, the wheel of misery does not roll on and on.
I have been wriiting haiku though. Quite prolifically I must say. Now always proficiently. And there are gentle guides along this path who suggest a second look or encourage me with their likes.
I had always admired the brevity of the craft and had always thought myself unable to confine myself to the 5-7-5 pattern. I kept returning to the Facebook Group and reading the expressive little gifts left there by so many talented writers. Yet not until my own journey came to be a series of moments did I write with this freedom. It is not until I remembered the sensation of this very moment and that very glance was I able to free myself from self imposed labels of not being able to do this or that.
Constraints imposed by
those who benefit from them,
you don't have to stay
So I take another moment to see this woman sitting with me. I think I like her.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
For you, as you grieve
You were so proud
of your new country,
all the joy in your eyes
when you spoke of your people
and their strengths
and foresight
Now as the fires rage around you,
I hold you in my heart
and say this
forgive the lapses
for we are all people
deep inside
with anger
and prejudice
and hatred
and envy
yet there is also
deep, deep love
and this too shall pass
nothing lasts forever
not the mirage of normalcy
nor the anger
all passion is spent
sooner than later
and then comes the calm
the regret
and the peace
slowly poking its head
from amidst the ruins
and we build again
as we have always done
through centuries
of existence
all that lives on is love
remember that
as your heart beats on
and place your hand over it
as I would have done
had I been beside you tonight
.
of your new country,
all the joy in your eyes
when you spoke of your people
and their strengths
and foresight
Now as the fires rage around you,
I hold you in my heart
and say this
forgive the lapses
for we are all people
deep inside
with anger
and prejudice
and hatred
and envy
yet there is also
deep, deep love
and this too shall pass
nothing lasts forever
not the mirage of normalcy
nor the anger
all passion is spent
sooner than later
and then comes the calm
the regret
and the peace
slowly poking its head
from amidst the ruins
and we build again
as we have always done
through centuries
of existence
all that lives on is love
remember that
as your heart beats on
and place your hand over it
as I would have done
had I been beside you tonight
.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
Islands
I have been back since Sunday and life goes on. The silence and peace of Dhamma Torana is a thing of the past and that is as it should be. Before I pay my dues through performing my duties, I cannot think about going back to silence and being that other person.
Life comes knocking every minute of my wakeful hours: lunch to pack for the child who wakes oh-so-early to volunteer, pack a snack for the personal trainer ( aka my 13 year old son) who patiently sits through my morning chores until we walk in through the doors of GoodLife, toothpaste to buy, burgers to grill, onions to slice.
And I am typing with my left hand as Ashray is cuddled on my right shoulder. Soon he will be 14. And off to highschool, and so on.
Until then I am here, breathing.
Anichcha.
Life comes knocking every minute of my wakeful hours: lunch to pack for the child who wakes oh-so-early to volunteer, pack a snack for the personal trainer ( aka my 13 year old son) who patiently sits through my morning chores until we walk in through the doors of GoodLife, toothpaste to buy, burgers to grill, onions to slice.
And I am typing with my left hand as Ashray is cuddled on my right shoulder. Soon he will be 14. And off to highschool, and so on.
Until then I am here, breathing.
Anichcha.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Me
I have always had this visual
of myself as a wheel
with many spokes
and each one is
a set of needs and
it is okay to
have many of those
for years, I was tired
of being asked to explain
why I need to write,
or listen to music when I cook
or walk in the rain
or hug the kids to bits everytime I see them
or kiss the cat on her soft head
I did not explain it
I just smiled and
connected with my journey
and lived my life
therefore I am the enigma
I do not explain you see
and I do not seek to
solve the questions
that arise in your mind
of myself as a wheel
with many spokes
and each one is
a set of needs and
it is okay to
have many of those
for years, I was tired
of being asked to explain
why I need to write,
or listen to music when I cook
or walk in the rain
or hug the kids to bits everytime I see them
or kiss the cat on her soft head
I did not explain it
I just smiled and
connected with my journey
and lived my life
therefore I am the enigma
I do not explain you see
and I do not seek to
solve the questions
that arise in your mind
Monday, August 1, 2011
August 1st 2011: One am observations
Hello World, I have to tell you this. I did not miss you as much as I had thought I would. I have been back since 10 am today. Only I knew when I left on July 20th that I would make it through. The naysayers love me dearly, they just don't know me very well.
I find my sensitivity to sound has sharpened from the 10 days of silence. The tv or even raised voices are hard to bear. I am still able to enjoy the simplest moments, like being in splits and needing to take a break because my stomach hurt so much from laughing as we watched Pink Panther 2 together after supper. Amazing also, how quickly I have gotten used to fruit and tea at 5 pm, how my internal clock and discomfort of folded feet in adhithhaan led me to come out of meditation in an hour even without a clock or an alarm beside me. How I knew to go to respiration when the sensations became gross and solidified. Oh, explicit teaching and repetition of instructions do work.
I am secure in the feelign that this is my experience. I have not felt the need to account for every moment. I do not strive to explain my 10 days to my family. I tell them if they ask. I am not into the 'this is what I learned and I am going to tell you about it now".Isn't it like the blind men and the elephant. All the words that mean so much to me are just jargon to someone else. Why burden them with this?
Somethings change and I observe I am making progress in these areas. In others, I observe that the road ahead is difficult and needs more work. What matters is that I am able to be here, right now and go with the awareness and equanimity.
Sleep comes slowly tonight. I observe the apprehension for tomorrow and breathe a little deeper.
Anichha, anichha, anichha.
I find my sensitivity to sound has sharpened from the 10 days of silence. The tv or even raised voices are hard to bear. I am still able to enjoy the simplest moments, like being in splits and needing to take a break because my stomach hurt so much from laughing as we watched Pink Panther 2 together after supper. Amazing also, how quickly I have gotten used to fruit and tea at 5 pm, how my internal clock and discomfort of folded feet in adhithhaan led me to come out of meditation in an hour even without a clock or an alarm beside me. How I knew to go to respiration when the sensations became gross and solidified. Oh, explicit teaching and repetition of instructions do work.
I am secure in the feelign that this is my experience. I have not felt the need to account for every moment. I do not strive to explain my 10 days to my family. I tell them if they ask. I am not into the 'this is what I learned and I am going to tell you about it now".Isn't it like the blind men and the elephant. All the words that mean so much to me are just jargon to someone else. Why burden them with this?
Somethings change and I observe I am making progress in these areas. In others, I observe that the road ahead is difficult and needs more work. What matters is that I am able to be here, right now and go with the awareness and equanimity.
Sleep comes slowly tonight. I observe the apprehension for tomorrow and breathe a little deeper.
Anichha, anichha, anichha.
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