Legalised oppression

I read a pure sunshine note written by a dear friend today. In this she talks about the love shared with her by the mothers-in- law of her friends who were like mothers to her. I have also read Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni's books in whose credits, she showers equal love and thankfulness to her mother and mother-in-law alike. And that makes me thing back to 1992.... ( Mahesh Bhatt, thanks for opening the possibility of laying bare one's life. So here goes)

I am amazed at mothers-in-law who have unconditional love to share. I know my mother is one such mother in law. My sister in law held everyone spell-bound at Amma's 70th birthday party as she heaped accolades on all that Amma means to her. My long lost aunt is another. So it is possible I suppose.

However I have not had the pleasure of such a relationship. Quite the contrary has been my own experience. Now of course things are different; is it distance that has made the heart fonder, it is that sights are set on the years ahead and needs emerging from there.... I don't quite care anymore. Too little, too late..

As outlined in The Celestine Prophecy when power comes into play the goodness is lost. people who would have been able to live a perfectly harmonious life bring their legalised titles into it and the pecking order raises its head. People with prescribed power, live life by their entitled role in society and subjugate ' lesser mortals' for their own short term gains, clearly wring out positive possibilities that exist in relationships long before they have a chance to take root.

The often vitriolic and always critical lens through which my presence was monitored, the ' you are the bahu, therefore this is how you get treated' the disparity of treatment between daughters and daughter in law right there in the same house, the orders hurled at me, the accusations, the verbal abuse, the appraisals of how much kadhi patta was added to something, the close monitoring of what we did on weekends, the piles of dishes I have washed soon after giving birth to my daughter when others had the freedom to sit around and read newspapers and sip tea, the bystander attuitude when said abuse was meted out daily.... Makes for a story out of Ms. Kapoor's tear jerkers.

Day after day, I used to look straight at my Shantadurga photograph and pray: "Let me get through this, just let me get through this" And She held on to me until I reached the other side and made it out of there alive. Something died though, along the way, 3 and half years of bahu bootcamp does this.

The younger generation is reminded by quoting the Gita: 'Don't forget your parents'. Surely the Lord also laid out guidelines on the older generation on how to treat the people they are supposed to welcome into their homes, the role they play in paving the way to sustain strong families. This is the lacuna in one sided gyaan. It is clearly an indoctrination to ensure that you earn good karma for the afterlife. But what about the duties they let fall by the wayside? Who accounts for that?

Yet at family gatherings, this is not highlighted. The saccharine flows and I merely observe. The time is past, too much has happened. I am not affected anymore nor am I fooled. The compliments that are showered on me are clearly in preparation for the next step of the journey, when I am expected to play host.

I have asked this question (rhetoric actually): If our daughter were treated the way I was, would you stand for it? What would you do?

I stand true to my values, the way I was raised and demonstrate respect as they are the family of my children. Are they my family too? I had entered their home hoping that would be the natural outcome of marriage. Too many doors slammed in my face have enabled me to open my own. Today I stand true to what I was raised to believe: When love fails, duty comes forward.

And so it shall be.

I speak up on behalf of many; it is time I spoke for myself too. Yes, my friends. This too is domestic abuse...

Recently a niece got engaged, a cousin is waiting in the wings. Even as I see these smiling faces and see the traditional relationships she will inherit, I send up a silent prayer to the Universe. "Please let them remember that she is coming into their home with a lot of love and hope in her heart. Please let them see that she is someone's beloved daughter. Please let them not push too far. Please let them be kind to her, respect her worth and love her as they would want their daughter to be loved. Please.....