A few weeks ago, I had quite the scare. For seemingly strong, not-even-a cold-through the coldest-winters me, being told to "get into bed and stay there until we find out what's wrong" is a life sentence.
November 2010
I have taken time off work, I stayed in bed too. Doctor's orders. Need to get to the bottom of this business. had a 48 hour monitor ( pshaw, it picks up heart beats, not memories I scoff) Have a carotid scan that will discover how the blood flows to my very wonderful and crazy brain. Still here, still Rashmee....
I am tired from all the mess, of not knowing what is causing this.
Yet God talks to me when I need Her the most. I was at the physio office getting my neck looked at. After all the prodding and poking, I lay down on my back with a hot pad around my neck. I stared at the inky sky. I was suddenly overcome by anger, and frustration and self pity. I thought of my children who are strong as they face their fears gently holding each other, of all the love and support I have in my life, my students whose success I wanted so badly to celebrate tomorrow on report card day, and on and on... The tears leaked from my eyes and disappeared in the folds of the voluminous electric collar. And as I shuddered through my pain, invisible and felt, I thought I heard a whisper. "At least this is self limiting, it is not terminal.Think of at least 3 people who have it worse"
I am tired from all the mess, of not knowing what is causing this.
Yet God talks to me when I need Her the most. I was at the physio office getting my neck looked at. After all the prodding and poking, I lay down on my back with a hot pad around my neck. I stared at the inky sky. I was suddenly overcome by anger, and frustration and self pity. I thought of my children who are strong as they face their fears gently holding each other, of all the love and support I have in my life, my students whose success I wanted so badly to celebrate tomorrow on report card day, and on and on... The tears leaked from my eyes and disappeared in the folds of the voluminous electric collar. And as I shuddered through my pain, invisible and felt, I thought I heard a whisper. "At least this is self limiting, it is not terminal.Think of at least 3 people who have it worse"
I did not need any further reassurance then. I had the perspective of what I was sad about and how much more there is out there. Amma always says if we took all the suffering in the world and divided it equally, we would prefer our own former share. Wise words that come to me from the long-ago paths we walked together.
One day at a time and I will get there. Not everyone has that option.
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