That D Word

That D word is mine to own
to examine
to toy with
to put away
in a bank locker
safe from prying eyes

That D word
makes people uncomfortable
as if it is contagious
or infectious
or just plain scary
something to which
they have to hold
a bunch of garlic

It makes people become
 oh-so-super-kind

it makes them not call
so they do not disturb me

it makes them forget
to invite me to their homes
lest I feel uncomfortable
around other human beings

it makes them predict,
over
and over
and over
how I will react in social situations

It makes them pretend
that they know me well

That D word
maybe does something more...

It makes people, examine
the cracks in themselves
and their own,
perhaps

and it makes them
very
afraid
of what they may see
if they look hard enough

so they go on pretending ...
that it is
me
that
they
protect

they look away, virtually, telephonically, and physically
as if  that D word
is my 6th thumb on my right hand

the dead leg
that I drag behind me

or the huge hole that I will fall into
dragging them with me

Now this D word
isn't that other D word, you see

That one, I realise,
people are OKAY with

as it means flames,
great salivating tongues of
roaring flames
that push you back

from the door of that furnace
into which you
just slid your loved one

That other D word
that resounds with the thunk
of freshly dug soil
on carefully chosen coffins


That other D word

is ashes
scattered in lakes
and rivers
with soft chants of
Om Shanti
And whispered tales
of eternal life

That other D word is final
therefore SAFE

And I walk forward
towards my new normal

With all these scared faces
turning into dots
in my rear view mirror

I roll back the roof
let the wind catch
my silver hair
and I laugh, unfettered...
at the sheer delight
of being me

Just
me

Precious
Special
Strong
Radiant
Kind
Mindful
Me