Address bar

Paying bills,
starting accounts
buying sheet music so the sweet sound
of the saxophone celebrates
his gift

and I pause mid typing
and stare wide eyed at the address

my fingers have typed

2

Just that

and I know why

the home of my childhood
lives on
through every heartbeat,
every pulse
and every contraction of
striated muscle

and science is defied
that voluntary muscles
behave quite involuntarily

and heart, involuntarily too
controls what I type as my address.

Your voice with mine

Pehley main sirff tadapti thee
Aur main likhtee thee

Gussey se, kabhi kabhi

Ro pad-ti thee

Ab mein rotee nahin,

Mein liktee hoon

Apne dil ki awaaz sunti hoon

Ab main bolti bhi hoon

Nidarr, nirbhaya, bulundd

Kya pataa,

Shayad meri awaaz se
Unko meri behnon ki awaaz
Sunaai de

Tum saath ho 
Toh aati hai
Himmat mujhey 

Meri Awaaz mein 
Tumhari aaah bhi
Shaaamil hain kahin

My shoe story

Torn, worn shoes
Shoes too large
Laced untied

And now,
I am asked to remind
and teach
and check shoelaces
In addition to teaching !

My heart runs to that story
looks past the 6 pairs of shoes I own
and 7 pairs of sandals for summer
and parties
I change shoes regularly

Now

My feet remember the burn
of hot asphalt

My shoes in grade 10
had holes you see

And Amma said
Can you make do
for a few more weeks

Can you please,
first born daughter
continue to walk

with holes in your shoes
for a few more weeks

Your 3 younger siblings
need shoes too

you know.

Now when I push back
I speak for the other Amma

whose children wear
shoes too large for their feet
with frayed laces

and all I can think of
is the pain
that shone through Amma's tears
when she saw my worn soul.

Dear Sister, I wore a hijab today

Hello sister,
Today I wore a hijab all day.
Why? you ask...

Because I love you,
Our mothers are sisters
and they watch over us both.

You wish me for Diwali and
I call you for Eid.

My children call you Maasi
and your son calls me Aunty.

When you wished me on my anniversary,
 I wondered how you had remembered.

Then suddenly I sat there wide eyed
thinking: how could she ever forget?

How could anyone who has lived
through that brutal time ever
let that time fade?

My mehendi ceremony on January 26th
amidst curfew when
you wanted to go
visit your sisters.

And Elders who loved you and
wanted to protect you
took you home to 'safer' places.

I had watched that time
knowing that
I was safe where I was
under state sanctioned protection.

Now two decades later,
I have a sister here too.

She helped me without questions.
She brought me a bag
full of colourful hijabs to choose from

and then wrapped the one I had chosen
lovingly
around my head.

she gave me her safety pin
knowing that I, the novice
you have trouble through the day

she thought of that,
this sweet sister of mine

I remembered Pachchi then and you.
And I walked as I always do:
with the same eyes, the same heart.

There were some questions and some silences.
Some confusion and some challenges.

Is it Muslim Day?
Another sister quipped
too much tokenism
hurts through the years

and I replied with my heart
"I am wearing the hijab
with utmost respect"

That's okay.
A life lesson that
just because I am ready to understand
doesn't mean people want to be understood
though that was never my intention

For how can can I understand an entire life
in one day?

I wore a hijab today
as I have many sisters who do.

And they are real people,
not subjects upon
whom labels can be fixed.

Today I felt calmer.
Seeking to understand
is the only way forward

Today I walked one step closer to that goal.

Now the question is
would I dare do this
in the place where my heart still beats

And if not, what are the reasons?
Lots of love
Didi

Birthday Blues

My littlest niece turns one
on Sunday
and I,
the talking head on Skype
Look East
the way home
Choices come at a cost
I knew
then why now
is my vision blurred?