Look Amma, I am growing up

The disbelief comes and goes and that is okay. We fear the emotions because of how they make us feel. But it is the real thing to sit quietly and acknowledge them as they swirl through the fog and rise to the surface. We cannot neglect them or negate them or ignore them. As I take them to the front of our consciousness, I find that they change, they evolve from grief to sadness to acceptance and they move on to become a deeper connection with something special that Amma means to me, just me. As I take from that pain perhaps one smile, one memory, one tearful laugh, it is now some other feeling.

Sometimes two feelings exist side by side and I am surprised at them too. Relief that she is out of pain and grief that I can never hear her voice. Then relief that I remember how she sounds and joy that she enjoyed her birthday. This is meditation. We do not have to go sit under a tree to find salvation. The Buddha did it for us and His lessons are out there for us to learn from.So I sit and without judgement, observe my pain as I would observe clouds change shape in the sky, watch a fish glidethrough the water or a bird fly in front of me. I observe and let it move through me.

This seems to be working for now. I do have moments of gut wrenching grief and soundless sobs that wrack me and sometimes quiet tears that slide down my face. That too is okay.How unrealistic it is if we expect to feel nothing after so many years of being gifted this wonderful person in our lives. That would not be fair. So I must not expect ourselves to 'recover' from this ever. We will get better at the 'observe and move through' stages and also with the realigning of our frequency with her current wavelength.

What dreams may come, I must acknowledge them.

Look Amma, I am growing up.