So Near Yet So Far

I see myself in the mirror

(Or do I see you?)

As I brush my teeth at bedtime

Far away,

in another world,

you are waking up

As I try to sleep

and maybe to dream

I hear something

Is that time ticking away?

Or is that my heartbeat?

that drones mournfully

through the endless night

I sound like you, I’m told

and now I see, with painful curiosity

that I even look like you

My hands look like yours, my son says

And when I weep, my face crumples up

just as yours would have done

if only you let us see your tears

Your smile is more serene

My hair, more silver than yours

Is this just DNA?

or some divine miracle?

That I am destined to see myself

as if I see you,

in my mirror everyday

The only solace,

until I see you again...

Unfinished Business

Candles lit,
I sit in this peaceful room
and think of gifts
I smile
Life did not give up on me
She showed up arms laden with
memories
of longings
sweet moments of
togetherness
and love to last a lifetime

Mere Dushman, Mere Bhai, Mere Humsaye

The title translates as: "My enemy, my brother, my soulmate" Why this tonight?

Life puts me in such interesting situations that I have to abandon everything I have been told this far and find new truths to answer the new questions that rise to the fore.

I was 5 years old when a war was fought. I was teenager when cricket matches reached a fever pitch and people rose like one being to applaud or mourn whichever outcome we were faced with.

Then in 1999, came another war. I was far away in Vietnam and in the naivete of people far away from the front line, those of us whose sons were not in the line of fire, we dug deep into our pockets to send money to the soldiers. Kargil went from being another just another name on the map to being a real place.

Today, my oldest nephew is training to be a soldier; his foremost job is going to be keep his country safe. I look at his photographs, standing tall and serious faced in his shiny uniform as a gentleman cadet and I think back to the little boy I had held softly close to my chest, hugging his sleeping form. His mother, my best friend and sister sat across to me in the bus going home, smiling indulgently. He was the first baby I every held as if my own. I was willing to fight to the finish for that little boy to be safe. Today he is being asked to do the same for me. This scares me. I love that young man very much and pray for him everyday, I light a lamp for him at Diwali.

Now where is this leading I wonder. Thanks to my `not cleared to drive`status until Sunday, I am calling a cab to go to work every morning. Taking the bus to work is not a possibility as the mornings are a whirlwind of activity, I barely make it out of the door at 7: 15. I had called on Monday evening to book the morning taxi service for the week. The despatcher gave me a special rate of 12 dollars per trip. Yesterday,I mentioned this to the driver, a gentleman from my neighbour country, fellow Canadian in my adopted land. Although he had not received this alert from his office, he agreed and let me pay him the pre-decided fare.  Later that day, I called again and learned much to my dismay, that there was no such special rate entered into the system: I owed the man 3 dollars for the trip yesterday.

As I waited for the taxi this morning, I agonised over this debt. Raised to stand by the highest standards of honesty, I was rewarded by a pleasant  surprise. It was the same driver today. As he made room for me, I explained the situation and offered to pay the difference of 3 dollars. He drove me to work explaining how to solve an algebraic equation. I sat there listening, he clearly had a story. At the end, in the drop off loop, he said to me: "I am an engineer from back home. You are a teacher. You understand hisaab, or accounts. You said you owed me 3 dollars, this shows me that your conscience is alive. Had I asked you to pay me, I would not believed in goodness. But you took the effort to ask my despatcher and you sought to pay that debt" As I pulled out 15 dollars to pay him, he remarked: 3 left over from yesterday, 12 for today. 15 in total. I will return one dollar because you are my sister. " Aap meri behen ho. Ek dollar rakhiye"

I walked into school clutching that dollar coin. It made no monetary difference to his pocket or mine, yet I felt that my heart was richer.

 "Sarhadd ke uss paar se kuch mehmaan aye they" Guests had come to visit from across the border. Shaayad unme se ek mera bhai hoga. Perhaps one of those guests is my brother.

As for the dollar, it has been stuck in my journal with a piece of clear tape.